Niiya'we

I have been think of you a lot lately, I suppose because it has been a year since you have left us.  I don't think a day goes by that your family (including me) grieves for you.  I have not wanted to connect to the culture as much as I use too.  I have found that since I lost you, I am trying to find my way back, as I intuitively know that is the only thing that will take away the deep loss I feel inside.  What a wonderful joy you were in my life, you were my steadfast and at times you were my cornerstone.

Sometimes, I see your face in other people.  Sometimes, I think that you send me messages and you ask me to trust that all will work out.  For a year, I have pushed it aside.  I have forgotten.  I have not wanted to do what I need to do ... in my life or in my vocation.

Our last talk you did not want me to apply for that job, and I didn't out of respect for you.  Two more times that job came up after you passed, and I applied this time - reconciling with you why I needed to.  You told me it would be nothing but pain there, and you were right but the difference is that today it did not wreck me. I suppose if I would have gotten the job it would have ... eventually. 

In my heart, I know the reasons for it have to do with a greater purpose, one in which you told me I needed to accomplish.  I am ready we'e.

I am ready to begin my life again, with purpose and dignity.

I will honor your memory every day, and I will remember your teachings and your wisdom in how to work with people in the kindest of ways.  I will remember the sweatgrass and how it brings in the good. 

Miigwech, We'e!

Qualities in an Elder

My dearest friend:

I miss you deeply as it has been almost a year since you choose to leave this world.  There is such a tremendous pain I feel when I think about you.  Sometimes your memories are all around me, like your gallon of Timmy's decaf coffee.  haha.  I think you surely got alittle caffeine in there.  Lately, the memories are overwhelming my thinking and interfere with my life.  I know that is not what you want ... so I will write about you and share what you have taught me.

But let me think clearly now ... What makes a good elder?
Here is what I saw in you ... you were so charasmatic and so loved by most if not all the people you came into contact with.  How did you touch people so deeply?  How did you make that connection to the children and families you worked with so selflessly?  How did you bring people back to life with your zest for it ... life?  Why did you do it?  Often times in school they talk about transformational leadership, but what is that when it comes to an elder like yourself.  To me it is the ability to lead in a way that inspires wellbeing or change in another.  It is healing from the dysfunction of colonization and bringing into light your spirit ...

We'e (my namesake ... my teacher) this is what you have inspired in me. 

It makes me think of what kind of elder I want to be ... someday. 

Creator ... be with my friend and all the people he loved so deeply ...

Time Heals

Niiyawe'e ...

I miss you today.  Everyone tells me you are still with me, but I know that it will never be the same.  There are so many different things that I miss about you, but mostly you unconditional support, encouragement, and love.  I miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to you about the incessant thoughts that whirl throughout this vast space between my ears.  I miss your ole hypnosis ... your ole bell ... or ways you would put someone under.  Gawd you were so crazy ... I miss your laugh.

Mostly, I miss the spiritual direction.  I use to like the way you would smoke a cigarette, lean back (possibly listening to the spirits), then your "hmmmm", then you would have this brainstorm from I don't know where OR you would go down a therapeutic path OR you would say something that would make everyone laugh.  It was always hard to tell which way you would go when you worked with people.  Mostly, it was hard for me to tell which way you would handle me and a situation I was working on.  I do feel alone ... I hope someday this will subside.

Loving you always, your friend Estelle

Regenerate ...

I was thinking about him the other day.  he use to do alot of hypnoses.  He was pretty good at it, and what was funny was that he had the spirits with him always helping to make the change from an unconscious level.  So I was working on re-generating my body.  R-E-G-E-N-E-R-A-T-E !!  I did it how he use to do it, walking down the stairs, opening the door, turning down the dial, turning up the dial.  It made me laugh to think about it ... regenerate :)

My namesake

When I was twenty years old, I dreamt of a man in a white leather outfit with blue and red ribbon on his shirt and his pants.  He was standing on the other side of a fence.  I wasn't scared or anything, but it was a time in my life where I suppose I needed some help. 

One year later, I met him.  His name was Dave and he subsequently became my niiyawe'e or my namesake.  He gave me my Indian name and brought me back into the sacred circle most Indigenous people enjoy.  There were so many different things my niiyawe'e taught me, some of which I have decided that I will write about. 

My niiyawe'e taught me about cultrual attachment theory.  He gave to me in so many ways, the very teachings I hope to inspire through my dissertation process.  He has been gone now for a few months and I am not lost anymore, but very reflective of the things he had said to me.